it's a boy!!

this is my baby boy. 

benjamin patrick boland.

wow.

i keep looking at this photo & i'm completely in awe of the fact that right now he's in me moving around or sleeping or listening to me talk. 

i am beyond excited...i don't even know the right word to use to describe how i completely can't wait for him to get here. 

i am even more in awe of the fact that in 5 short months i'll be holding him & talking to him & i'll be able to see what he looks like.

i am so in love with him already. 

thank you god. 

help wanted.

i'm jobless. last wednesday i was notified that i "didn't meet the terms of my probation" and was let go from my job with the city of thousand oaks. i'm bummed about the loss of income, but honestly am so excited to be out of there. it's wonderful to be released from the stress of going to a job that i disliked everyday. and it's awesome to be able to be pregnant and be home & rest when i need to. i have absolutely no idea what god has in store for us, but the unknown excites me a bit. now i have time to be crafty & work on all those little projects i've been dying to start & finish for so long now.

baby.

due march 20. i cannot wait.

i can't wait.

october 8-los angeles
october 11-las vegas

the excitement is overwhelming.

school.

school is done tonight. i'm so excited & really bummed out at the same time. i didn't finish my final project, which pretty much guaranteed me a non passing grade. i have been so busy & stressed the last 2 weeks i have hardly had any time or ability to focus on my schoolwork. i guess if anything, i'm stoked that i held out until the end, which is a lot to say for me.

tuesday news.

last night/today we decided that we're going to give our 30 day notice & move out of our wonderful little place in san diego. i'm so stressed out about other things in life, that i haven't really had time to be sad about it yet. we'll be moving back in with my parents if i get the job in thousand oaks that i applied for or back in with nate's if i don't. i'm trying hard not to let it worry me, but i think the pounding headache i have this afternoon can be attributed to my worry.

i am trying whole-heartedly to trust in god..."trying" being the key word here. when has he ever let me down? i have no reason not to.

morning freak out.

i'm starting to freak out.

i have a notebook assignment for my art class that is due today & i haven't even started it. i didn't realize until last night that it counts for a substantial amount of my grade. what sucks even more is that i have no time to work on it this weekend because i'll be in utah.

even more important than that, i haven't even started my final project. aaaauuuuuggggghhhh! it's due next thursday & i honestly have no idea what i'm doing.

only one more week until all of this is over. i'm just going to have to work my hardest today & see what i come up with.

*sigh*

i need an energy drink.

on another more exciting note (only to me) it's going to be freakin hot this weekend in utah & in vegas. i know it's going to be disgusting, but i love heat. i live for it. yay!

<3

i love this picture.

yuck.

today i came to the realization that i'm really not a starbucks coffee drinker any longer. i had the most disgusting & bitter cup of coffee i've ever had. i'd so much rather have a nice cup of mate vana tea or maybe a little cloud 9 rooibos. so goodbye starbucks coffee, we've had a nice run.

free.

i want to be freed. i want to be content with my life. i don't want to be jealous and bitter anymore. i want my situation to stop holding me back from living the rest of my life. i don't want it to dictate everything that i do. i want to not only realize that god has a plan for my life, but be able to trust that, too. i want to get over it.